Why I Have Been So Quiet

Let me start off by saying that this will likely not be huge on SEO nor will it likely included any photos, which I know helps a blog post.

But I figured it was time to just be out and open with what I’ve been dealing with and it may help me calm down some by just getting it out there.

I’ve always been a worrier.  Big time worrier.  For as long as I can remember I’ve thought I had some horrible disease and was going to die young.  And here I am 38 and alive and kicking with no real issues with my health.  There usually has to be some seed or sign planted before I started worrying about a certain thing. But once it’s planted its hard for me to get it out of my head and move on. Refocus.

When Jason was diagnosed as a diabetic I was in a state for months worried he was going to die on me and our life would be so different.  Guess what?  So not true.  He is managing his diabetes fairly well and little has changed.  Oh look at this mole, is it cancer?  Is it changing do you think?  Obsessed with little health things that are nothing but I dwell on them.

It didn’t help that I never went to the doctor until a few years ago.  Never.  But when my tingling got so bad that I felt like I was going insane and was driving Jason insane, it was time to go. Which ended up just being my thyroid off.  Not a big deal.  And here I sat and obsessed and worried about it for years.

Why I’ve Been So Quiet Lately

Since then I have had a complete physical and a few other things and all have been well.  My fret over little things disappeared quite a bit.  I knew I was healthy.  It was a comfort.

Now, this.

When we got back from our vacation.  Which leading up to and even during left me being stressed quite a bit. And also there was a massive heat wave and I spent quite a bit of time in the car.  Both going to and coming back home. Along with our trip to the Bison Range.

Plus, let’s be honest.  I don’t poop well away from home either.

The day Jason goes back to work and the day Ruby the Kia Soul gets picked up.  I started bleeding, what seemed like a lot of blood. Fresh red.  Or what I assume was fresh red blood.  I’ve tried to remember back and can’t recall for sure now but I am pretty sure all was fresh red blood.  Just what seemed like a lot of it.  Trying to remain calm, I waited to see what would happen.  I kept bleeding Wednesday (July 18th) throughout the day, Thursday there were a few times but nothing like that first time.  By the time Friday came around, I was still bleeding and decided it was time to go to the Urgent Care.

After we picked up Roxy from her grooming appointment we headed to the Urgent Care where we waited forever it seemed.  Jason ended up missing soccer that night too, which I felt awful about.  The Urgent Care doctor was an older gentleman that seemed kind of flustered and lost.  But sweet.  Giving me a brief rectal exam with some kind of instrument and not finding anything. No active bleeding, no hemorrhoids. He sent me off to the lab for a CBC panel, which came back all clear.  No low iron or anything else out of place.

So he finally sent us on our way and set up a referral for gastroenterology.  Monday they called to set up a colonoscopy on August 17th.

During this time, I felt fine, I was just bleeding and may have been pooping more but nerves and weird things do that to me.

After I started to up my fiber, I felt much better and the bleeding stopped.  Then it started again but this time I felt a tender spot on my rectum.  Which I am pretty sure was an anal fissure this go around.  Doing baths and keeping with my fiber finally healed that up.

I bleed, differently, about two weeks.  On and off.  Now I haven’t bled for quite a while.  I am still pooping.  But again nerves & upping fiber.

But I am full of anxiety.  Which had led me feeling horrible and worrying about every little thing I felt. Sure I have cancer and when I wake up from my colonoscopy life is going to change forever.  Is that likely?  No.

Even though colon cancers are rising in younger ages, it is still mostly diagnosed in those over 50 – 90% of the time.  90%!  That is high.  And the likelihood that fresh red blood is it, makes it even less likely. Plus being only 38 and no first degree relatives with colon cancer? Ya, still though…it happens.

Has all those statistics lessened my anxiety? At times and not at others.

Then I sit here and try to remember if I had any other bleeding from the rectum that I brushed off.  Not that I can recall.  Had my bowel movement changed before this, not that I can recall?

I panic. I give myself cancer.

With my anxiety feeling.  I feel every little thing and increase them as I think of them.  I ate like crazy at the beginning and watched my weight.  Then I couldn’t eat and I panicked that it was cancer and I just knew it.

Anxiety does amazing things to the body.  Which I’ll never understand.

But this week is better, most of the time.  I wake up in a panic though each morning with my thinking I’ll wake up soon and have cancer.  Then my head runs through the statistics that it isn’t likely to be so.  But my tummy gripes and I panic.

This is my story.  And why I’ve been so quiet lately.

I am hoping that after my colonoscopy next week, which I just found out we have to pay completely out of pocket for.  That I’ll get only good news and life will move back to normal.

But I can bet you that if that is the case my mindset will change.  I will move more (and have been loads this week).  I will worry less.  I promise.

P.S.  – I also found this post which I could have written, word for word.