It’s no secret around here that I run on anxiety. My thoughts go into overdrive at any little turn. Sadly though, my stress is high lately. Super high. Every little thing that happens, my worry kicks into high gear, and I go into the worst case possible.
When my anxiety is high, I find it hard to work. My worrying often leads me to not being able to think about what to post here. Hence it can be quiet around here or work done in streaks.
My mind finds it hard to process things that don’t seem to matter, but do to keep getting work and keeping you all interested. It’s a battle and has been a significant battle since the whole COVID started. Those anxiety-filled thoughts have rushed forward with all that is happening in the world.
Especially though with the health issues we had with Roxy this last month. If it wasn’t one thing, it was another, and I was worried I was going to lose her. Or have to go through surgery that we couldn’t afford, and she may not live through.
These are where my thoughts have been racing around with lately and thought I’d share.
The Truth is Anxiety is High Lately
While COVID closures haven’t affected us much at all, stress piled on me because of the uncertainty. Jason has worked the entire time the state was in lockdown because he was considered essential. He is also considered a higher risk because of his diabetes, so that left me worried a bit. Though he swears, he already had it when he was sick back in February, which may have been the case.
Let’s do a few bullet points of where my worries have laid lately shall we?
Roxy has been the top of the list this last month. It started with her jumping wacky off my lap, and we think jarring her back, which led to her not using her back legs and just sitting down each time she was on the ground. Thankfully, that cleared right up after a few days of her three medicines, and she was our wild child again.
Those evil grass seeds…
The day before her follow up appointment for that, though, she got a grass seed lodged in her eye. We got the grass seed out and thought we were good to go. Only to have her started swiping at her eye in pain hours later. Little sleep happened that night, and she was being dropped back off at the vet that morning. Where they found she had a big ulcer in her eye from that nasty grass seed.
At her appointment, they considered her back/lameness all healed, but we walked away with another medicine for her eye ulcer. I walked away from that genuinely thinking we’d get the all-clear at her follow-up appointment. That week though, I knew it wasn’t healing as fast as it should have been. Back the next week for her check-up, and sure enough, it was still there but at least had improved some. We decided to add another medicine to speed up the healing hopefully.
Thankfully, I am pretty sure her eye is now healing nicely. We haven’t had her eye glued shut the last two mornings, and she is much more her feisty self. We shall see Friday, but I am pretty sure we are going to hear significant progress if not fully healed.
Seriously though, Roxy is my baby – she is beside me 24/7. I don’t know what I am going to do when I am not so lucky with her healing when something goes wrong. Her sense of adventure is one of my favorite things about her and makes our experiences so much more light-filled.
I know that she is 13 and she is getting older. But I also know she is a little dog and they usually have quite a few more years in them. So let’s hope that Roxy still has many happy, filled years with us.
While I don’t speak loudly about it, Jason does have some health issues that are worrisome to me. I also know that this last year his health hasn’t been as well controlled as it should have been.
I worry so much that something is going to happen to him. What will I do? How will I move forward?
I have spent over half of my life with him beside me, and I don’t want to imagine life without him. My heart gets so heavy when my mind wanders to those what if’s. Fear creeps in my heart and settles.
This worry is completely and utterly out of my hands, and that makes the fear even worse. It’s not something I can personally control. Control means a lot to someone that has anxiety.
The root of a lot of people’s worries and concerns is, of course, money. And I am not an exception. Jason makes a decent living, but my income is so finicky. I’d love to know I have this coming in each month. But some months are better than others, and there is no way I can ever count on what I earn unless I get some steady contracts.
And we just added in a car payment which we have never had. We don’t start payments until September, but it weighs heavy on both of us.
And you know we’d like to do things (well when/how we can go with COVID hanging) – and would love to do those things without too much worrying about what we are spending.
Ugh, money the root of all evil. Necessary to do anything in life, but so many of us just don’t make enough to live comfortably. Or more so adequately enough where if something were to happen unexpectedly, we could cover it.
It’s Jason and I. Well, Jason, I, and Roxy. It’s my circle. And it’s who I want around me, but I often feel lonely. Like no one wants to be around us. Not so much now, because COVID and being around others gives me even more anxiety than usual but in the general ordinary world.
I have visions of me being this isolated island. I like being on for the majority of the time, but it gets lonely. It gets worrisome. It gets hard.
Do you know what I am saying? I don’t know how to explain it perfectly.
I hate the phone, I hate doing face time things, and heck I am not even great in person – so how can I blame anyone?
There we have it…
Those are my primary sources of anxiety lately. What weighs heavy on my heart how my nightmares start. And why my brain doesn’t process new things to post on the blog & social media. And most of all, what stresses me out.
What is worrying you? How can I help? What can I bring you to the blog that may help ease some of your anxieties and in turn mine?